By the Spring of 2001 it was evident that something must be done to resolve the problem of my alcoholism. I was naturally resistant to the idea of rehab - John Wayne after all would simply hitch up his gunbelt and manfully tackle such a problem. Finally however I had to acknowledge that while I knew what was on this side of rehab I had no notion of what might lay on the other side. I figured I could tolerate 90 days of most anything so, with the help of my sister Celeste and her husband Nick I checked into the LA County Rehab Facility at Warm Springs, California. What follows are some the more pertinent observations collected while there.
WARM SPRINGS REHAB FAREWELL ADDRESS
After three months in an alcohol rehab facility and a number of epiphanies, I had this to say in a public address upon my departure:
Most of you know that I came up this Hill an Atheist. Now you hear a lot of talk about God up here and that made things kind of difficult for me.
I also heard a lot people talk about having the experience of finding God up here. So many in fact that I had to conclude that they weren't all hallucinating or insane and I wondered how I might come to know what the hell they were talking about. Having no use for the concept of god, I turned to the only thing I did know, which was a certain stillness found in meditation.
In that stillness I found that I could feel the pulse and throb of this mmense universe we all participate in. This then was a power greater than myself. And I found, that for brief moments, I could become one with that dynamic chaos morphing into order, drawing strength therefrom.
Now,,, the challenge was to find some way to make that feeling/knowingness more readily accessible. One day sitting here in a meeting I composed a little poem that goes like this -
My Higher Power is a Tower
I built from brick and stone,
And in this Tower I can sit
And see just how I've grown,
And from this Tower I can see
What scares and troubles me,
And take the time to draw the line,
Between alcohol and me.
Not particularly great poetry - Shakespeare ain't quakin', but it works for me as the reminder of what I'm trying to accomplish with this discipline.
As time went on I added jewels to that tower - a diamond representing clarity, a ruby for the heat of passion that is required to keep focused on the goal of sobriety, and an emerald to remind me of many friends I've made here.
Now, in the Big Book there is a passage that reads - "...if that were true (referring to atheism) it would follow that the Universe came from nothing, is going nowhere, and means nothing".
Boy, when I read that I said to myself, "Hey, these guys might really be on to something". Of course I later had to conclude that the authors probably had something different in mind.
Nevertheless, that
passage exactly reflects my view of the Universe, my cosmogony if you will.
And because that's true I think it's all the more important for each of
us to live in a fashion that infuses intention, meaning and purpose
into our lives. This program, as practised here on this Hill seems to show
the way to that end.
So, I'm still an Atheist. It's just that now I'm an Atheist with a Higher Power.
And that Higher Power isn't annoyed by or frightened of words, so I'll leave you with this:
May all the gods that ever were, and ever shall be, grant each of us grace. mercy and clarity of vision as we walk these paths of freedom.
And with that, I'm out.